I spent over a decade obsessed with the gym, but I've finally let myself stop. This is a personal journey of self-discovery and a reevaluation of my relationship with fitness.
Last month, I made a bold decision: I paused my gym membership. It wasn't an easy choice, as I had been dedicated to working out for nearly 15 years. The gym had become a constant in my life, a source of structure and discipline. But something had shifted, and I realized it was time to reassess.
I had been avoiding this decision for months, telling myself I'd get back on track. Eventually, my partner stepped in and offered a compromise: putting the membership on hold instead of canceling it. This small concession allowed me to maintain a connection to my old routine while exploring new possibilities.
My relationship with my body began early. As one of three close-aged sisters, I was often pointed out for my 'chubbiness' by extended family. These comments, though well-intentioned, left a lasting impact. As I grew older, the focus shifted from being cute to taking up space, both physically and metaphorically.
I vividly remember the joy of movement as a child. I loved skipping rope, biking, and climbing jungle gyms. But as I entered high school, the gym became a place of competition and self-improvement. I ran races, climbed the CN Tower, and felt a sense of accomplishment and beauty in my physical achievements.
However, the gym also became a source of self-surveillance and guilt. The pandemic introduced fitness tracking, and I found myself competing with friends and feeling guilty on rest days. I started wearing my watch to weddings and even turned on 'dance workouts' during social outings. The pressure to maintain a certain body image grew, and I paid a high price, both financially and emotionally.
The turning point came when my Apple Watch died. Suddenly, I realized how much of my life was centered around the gym. I stopped typing 'gym' into my calendar and started exploring other forms of physical activity. I invested in a small treadmill for walking and set a goal of 5,000 steps a few times a week.
Since my last gym workout in July, my body has changed, but not in the way I expected. I've embraced my belly pouch, accepted a flatter butt, and felt the weight of groceries. I understand that these changes will continue, and I'm learning to be kind to myself.
When my gym membership pause ends in April, I plan to return. But this time, I want to focus on self-kindness and discipline. I want to prioritize my career, take care of my skin and hair, and accept that I can't optimize everything at once. Pausing my gym membership was a powerful statement: I don't need to earn my worth through workouts or guilt. It's a reminder that health and well-being come in many forms, and sometimes, it's about letting go and embracing a new, healthier perspective.
